Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
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I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
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There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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