You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
