They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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