Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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