when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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