the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
