Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
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She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
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Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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