My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
