Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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