Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
