Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
