I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
