escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
