Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
