But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
