I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
