I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
