Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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