My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Everything about him screamed your future.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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