we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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