Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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