Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
