you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
