I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
