i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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