I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Pants are for mortals
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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