hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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