I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize