he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
There's always time for handjobs
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
