I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
