there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
