my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
