And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
