found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
