I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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