he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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