I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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