I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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