she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
