Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
