Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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