You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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