Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
