Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
