All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Sorry about my life...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
