I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
