Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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