Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
