I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
