Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
cat food counts as protein by the way
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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