if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
