a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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