The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
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im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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