wrigley field is MILF paradise
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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