my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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