Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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